funnies ( cartoons and jokes)

[BREL]

an idea I have pinched from another forum, a place for members to post any jokes and cartoons that the come across in their daily lives

please keep them reasonably clean

after all this site is accessed by children of all ages

any joke and cartoons deemed to be over the top will be removed


A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: I Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[AndyD]

2 goldfish in a Tank, one sasy to the other:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

(old but topical!) 

[afv]

A married Australian woman goes out for a night down unde " with the girls "

she tells her husband that she will be home by midnight " I promise ! " she says....

well, the hours pass and the margaritas/vodka slammers/ fosters all go down way too easy....

Around 3am, a bit loaded she heads for home,
just as she gets in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall starts up and cuckoo's 3 times.

Quickly realizing her husband will probably wake up, she cuckoo's another 9 times.

she is really proud of herself for comig up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her hubby....

even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos ! midnight


the next morning her husband ask's her what time she got in, and she tells him " midnight "

he is not upset at all.

Whew got away with that one !  she think's....

then he says " strewth Sheila, we need a new cuckoo clock "

when she asks him why, he says....

" well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed three times,then said," oh bugger " cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted ".

[BREL]

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Army Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it..  'I will give each of you one wish, three wishes in total' says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .' POOOOFF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.  'POOOFF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, 'I am very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.'  The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water'.........

[BREL]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste bet ter if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy repli es, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[afv]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
********************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

[Crispy]

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of their car.

They both shriek in surprise and Sister Mary says "Oh Sister Wendy what shall we do?"

Sister Wendy who's older and driving says "Now don’t panic child, I have a small vile of holy water in my handbag. Throw it at him for me"

Sister Mary rummages through the handbag and finds the vile, winds down the window, throw's it, misses the vampire, winds the window back up and says "Oh Sister Wendy I missed!"

"I know!" Says Sister Wendy slightly panicked. "Have a look in the glove box, I think there's half a cheese & garlic sandwich in there! Try it again!"

Sister Mary rummages in the glove box, finds the sandwich, winds down the window, throws the sandwich, misses the vampire, winds the window back up and says "Oh Sister Wendy, I missed again!"

"I KNOW!" say Sister Wendy beginning to sweat. "Oh child I don’t know what else to do! We're all out of things to throw at him!"

They both sit in a panicked silence for a few moments when Sister Mary says "Oh, I know! Why don’t you show him your cross Sister Wendy!"

"Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!" says Sister Wendy. She winds down the window, leans out as far as she can and screams at the Vampire

"GET OFF MY FECKIN' BONNET YOU B@ST@RD!"

[tiger205]

ireland were playing england at wembley a couple of monthes ago
ireland were awarded a penalty just before halftime
the striker scored the penalty, then missed on the replay
at half time the irish manager flooded the pitch
when asked by an irate groundsman why did you do that
he replied so i could bring on the sub

            Tony

[BREL]

The 2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there
a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your
friends and family... unless of course, one of these above-mentioned
individuals is, by chance, a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad
they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! *

[tiger205]

whats the definition of agony?

a one arm man hanging over a cliff with a itchy bum

              Tony