funnies ( cartoons and jokes)

[BIGMIG]

Two old time golfers was out on the golf course playing a round of 18 holes.They were on the 8th hole tee box which was next to the hiway when a funeral persession went driving by.The one old gent turned to face the road and removed his hat placing it over his heart
standing there till the persession passed by.The other old gent asked "do you know that person" ??.The old gent replied "Ya Thats my wife,been married to that women for 38 years" lets tee off---------

                                BIGMIG 

[tiger205]

now thats funny larry

            Tony

[fv432]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'



Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'



Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.



While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.



Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'



Harry: '9.'





Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'



Harry: '36.'



And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.



The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'



Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'



The principal and Harry both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'







Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'



Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'



The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!







Harry replied: 'Pockets.'



Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'







Harry: 'Pants.'



Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'







Harry: 'Coconut.'



The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.



Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'







The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'



Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'







Harry: 'Shake hands.'



The principal was trembling.



Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'







Harry: 'Firetruck'



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[BIGMIG]

Pretty funny suff----

                  Larry 

    P.S. I was in the catagory with the principal----

[afv]

(1998) In rural Carbon County, Pennsylvania, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim. Despite an estimated 35 shots fired by the group, the animal escaped into a 3' diameter drainage pipe 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire five-gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to light it again, to no avail.

Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly-expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.

Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.

"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

[BREL]

Stupid……



These  are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are 
things people actually said in court,  word for word, taken down and now 
published by court reporters that had the  torment of staying calm while 
these exchanges were actually taking  place.
____________ _________ _________  _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you  give us an example of something you forgot?
____________  _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he  doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you  actually pass the bar exam?
____________  _________ ____ ___________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS:  He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________  _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you  sh * tting me?
____________  _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________  _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How  many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any  girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different  attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________  _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Take a guess.
____________  _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium  height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
____________  _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice  which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress  when I go to work.
____________  _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a  fight.
____________  _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to? 
WITNESS: Oral.
____________  _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The  autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was  dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I  finished.
____________  _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you  qualified to ask that question?
____________  _________ _________ ________

And  the best for last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the  patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because  his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but  could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing  law. 

[Crispy]

A few oldies but a goodies, taken from exchanges between airline pilots and Traffic control towers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways Concord, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The Concord pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you  not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was rather dark... and I didn't land."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going?! ! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell
the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!
Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,
US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around
Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wibblywobbly]

Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little Johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."


Fresh from her shower, a blonde stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replies.
She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
"Well it worked for your arse, didn't it?" says the husband.


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as  well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring  throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the    dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
...
...
...
...
...
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


A woman found a note on the refrigerator one morning:
"My Dear Wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Premier Inn. Please don't be upset-I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. "I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Travelodge with Michael, one of my students, who is also the Assistant Tennis Coach.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
"PS:  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
"Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."



A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party. They're driving home in an open top sports car and the woman takes off her dress so she can flash at the passers-by. Unfortunately the boyfriend watches her not the road and they crash. The naked woman is thrown clear but the boyfriend is trapped in the wrecked car. The only thing she can find to cover herself is one of her boyfriends shoe's, so she runs to a nearby garage holding the shoe over her crotch. She shouts to a mechanic "Help!, help! my boyfriend's trapped!" The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "you need a doctor, he's too far in for me!"

[tiger205]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.



She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

[BIGMIG]

                          Larry